Not all thoughts are created equal. Some guide us forward, while others hold us back. But how do you tell the difference?
Let me show you.
If you are a leader of people or lead your own life, the state of mind you operate from shapes your decisions and directly impacts employee wellbeing (or just those around you). It also determines YOUR quality of life.
Grounded leaders make thoughtful choices and help their workplace be more psychologically safe, whilst stressed leaders risk amplifying workplace stresses. The decisions you make affect your family and could amplify their feelings of stress as well.
A peak into a private conversation
An accomplished chief executive of a large government department asked “how can you tell the difference between a thought to listen to and a thought to let go of?” I looked at her face and could see she really wanted to know the answer and had wrestled with this question a lot. I admired her vulnerability. It is so easy to hide behind a vaneer of polished professionalism and having an answer for everything. You know the ones. They think that they have it all worked out.
It may be uncomfortable to hear this, but really only those with personality disorders and narcissists think they truly have it all sorted. The rest of us are mere mortals and we are pretty much making it all up as we go along.
So, back to the question.
I had to pause and reflect, as I knew it was important question for her and I also didn’t have an answer right there on the tip of my tongue.
I answered with a series of questions.
Michelle: When do you make the best decisions.
Chief executive (CE) : When I’m walking or in a shower.
Michelle: how do you know that your inspirations are the right ones?
CE: It just lands, feels right, and fits into the complex jigsaw of the situation.
Michelle: So it is a bit of a feeling? But also there are some thoughts attached and its complex but fully or partly formed.
CE: Yes. I fill in some of the gaps later.
Michelle: Great. Now, what about when you feel fear or worry? What happens then?
CE: I go around and around in circles, and I don’t get anywhere. Or I have thoughts that say I can’t do it or I don’t have what it takes to get the project off the ground.
Michelle: So they aren’t useful thoughts and feelings. In psychology we look at thoughts and feelings and assess them on utility. Is this a useful thought that gets me closer or it takes me away or stops me from what I want to do.
CE: But what if it is a warning or I really am at risk at making a fool of myself?
Michelle: We say thanks, mind. Thanks for showing me the risks of this project. I will be sure to look at the risks you are showing me and see what I can control and prevent. Then, you shift worry into problem-solving.
CE: What about making a fool of myself?
Michelle: This part of you tells you what you are doing is important and wants you to prepare. That is the utility of this thought. Thanks, mind. I will be sure to prepare for this presentation’’. It is how we relate to thoughts. They are there to help us but are not the end of the conversations. We make them useful, and when we have heeded their warning, we thank them and let them go.
The greatest litmus test is to meditate or go for a walk or have a laugh and then think about the situation again. If the thought has lots its sting and doesn’t feel so strong, it means that you have turned your stress response off and so the thought is not reliable data.
Your state shapes whether a thought becomes a guiding insight or just noise to let sail by.
It is not the thought itself but the state you’re in that determines whether it deserves your attention.
She asked about feelings, but I’ll save that for the next post, as I don’t want to lose the distinctions our conversation uncovered.
- Reframe worry into problem-solving and then action.
- Thoughts are tools, not truths. See them for what they are.
- Trust your intuition and quiet smarts over noise and make time to cultivate these.
Want a partner on your self leadership journey?
Click here to book a time to discuss your goals and see if there is a fit.
Warmly,
Michelle
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